The Trauma of Attempting to Walk a Dog in Southport


They’ve banned them from bloody Southport now too.

What’s the point of having a beach and all that space for

Walking if you’re going to ban dogs?

Here’s what happened:

We adopted Joey from the Millstream Shelter,

He was a puppy, mongrel, just been abandoned on the street.

Looked like one of them nasty ones but we trained him good.

Perfect dog he is.

And absolute lifesaver for Sam and Becky, who,

I’m not going to lie,

Were a nightmare.

So we go on lots of walks, brings the family together.

Do picnics.


Becky and Sam were at High School,

New Charter – they were, are, doing alright but

Nothing Special.

But they love that dog.

I actually think they’re going to go and do something with animals now.

Maybe together – that would be good.


Anyway, once every couple of weeks we’d go to Southport,

Or Formby, and walk Joey.

Some of the idiots with little yappy ones used to have a go,

‘Put that thing on a lead,’ they’d say,

‘Control your dog!’

The funny thing is it’s them who can’t control their dogs!

They’d come running up to Joey, barking, barking,

Joey right by us,

But because they’re all in their posh jackets with their

Wicker baskets and their wanker children

Called Archie or Arnold or another name that’s really a dog’s name but not anymore,

They’d think we were the ones who were in the wrong.


Out of order.


Sometimes we’d, mainly Becky, would get a bit arsey with them though

And she’d swear sometimes. I had a go at her, you shouldn’t swear,

But also why be rude?

We’ve got as much right to be here as you do.

Just because we were born in Ashton-under-Lyne and you’re probably from



We’re all in the same boat now though aren’t we!

They only banned dogs from half the beach in Southport.

The annoying thing is that no one knew. Just went one weekend and it was like

‘No not you!’

Oh alright Jane, yeah, cheers for the warning.

You’d think they’d think before letting us waste 30 quid on petrol to get here.


So Sam and Becky start kicking off in the back of the car,

Joey starts barking,

I’m hungry because it’s been a bit of a day and I haven’t eaten yet,

And we can’t even go on the bloody walk!


We go to Formby now and it’s really nice.

There’s a squirrel sanctuary what Sam likes.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, we barely ever see any squirrels ever,

But it’s nice. He’s got some work experience there actually which is good.

Becky is a bit younger so doesn’t need to think about it for a while

But could do it there as well.

Or she could do it with her dad.

She’d have to work Sundays so couldn’t come on our walks for a couple of weeks.

But no bother.


I do miss Southport though.

There’s something about the promenade, and the cinema,

And we walked along the bridge to get into town and go to Jackson’s for chips.

It’s fine though.

Got my husband, got my kids, got my dog.

And now we’ve got Formby.

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